Psychological Battering
-The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant
verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the
woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic
resources, and destruction of personal property.
Battering escalates. It often begins with
behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as
punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may
escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering
may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing.
Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as
choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.
Who Is
Battered?
Rural and urban women of all religious,
ethnic, economic, educational backgrounds, of varying ages, physical
abilities, and lifestyles can be affected by domestic violence. There is NOT
a "typical woman who will be battered." The risk factor is being born
female. Over 50% of all women will experience physical violence in an intimate relationship, and
for 24-30% of those women the battering will be regular and on-going. EVERY
15 SECONDS THE CRIME OF BATTERING OCCURS.
- More than 50% of child abductions
result from domestic violence.
( Geoffery Grief & Rebecca
Hagar,"Abduction of Children By Their Parents: A Survey of the
Problem," Social Work, 1991)
- Approximately 1 out of every 25
elderly persons is victimized annually. (Candace Heisler, Journal of
Elder Abuse and Neglect, 1991) 22 to 35% of women who visit
emergency rooms are there for injuries related to on-going abuse.
(Journal of the American Medical Association, 1990) Up to 50% of all
homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic
violence. (Elizabeth Schneider, Legal Reform Efforts for Battered
Women, 1990) 5 to 25% of pregnant women are battered. (Evan Stark &
Anne Flitcraft, 1992)
- One out of every four gay couples
(25%) experiences domestic violence in their relationship. That’s
approximately the same rate as heterosexual couples. (Family
Violence Prevention Fund, 1996) A study of violence among dating
couples of high school age found that 12% had experienced abuse in
one of their relationships. (Nona O’ Keefe, Karen Brockoff, Esther
Chew, "Teen Dating Violence," Social Work, November\December 1986)
- Sexual abuse against disabled girls
and women is roughly twice as high as for non-disabled girls and
women. Considering that 33 percent of American women experience
domestic violence, a conservative estimate says that at least 60% of
disabled women have experienced it. (New Mobility Magazine, 1995) In
1994, 28% of the 4,739 women who were murdered were slain by a
husband or boyfriend. (FBI)
- According to the U.S. Department of
Justice, over two-thirds of female victims of violence documented in
1993 were related to or knew their attacker.
- A 1992 study of family and intimate
assaults reported in the Journal of the American Medical
Association, found that family and intimate assaults involving
firearms are 12 times more likely to result in death than all
non-firearm family and intimate assaults.
- A 1993 study in the New England
Journal of Family Medicine revealed that homes experiencing domestic
violence were close to five times more likely to be the scene of a
homicide than other homes. It also reported that a handgun in the
home is 43 times more likely to kill a family member or an
acquaintance than an intruder.
- The Bureau of Justice reports that
although divorced and separated women comprise only 7% of the
population in the U.S., they account for 75% of all battered women
and report being assaulted 14 times more often than women still
living with a partner.
If you are being abused or battered, you are
not alone. There is help available and people who will understand your
situation. Nobody deserves abuse. You and your children have a right to
safety.
Why Do Men Batter Women?
Many theories have been developed to explain
why some men use violence against their partners. These theories include:
family dysfunction, inadequate communication skills, provocation by women,
stress, chemical dependency, lack of spirituality and economic hardship.
These issues may be associated with battering of women, but they are not the
causes. Removing these associated factors will not end men’s violence
against women. The batterer begins and continues his behavior because
violence is an effective method for gaining and keeping control over another
person and he usually does not suffer adverse consequences as a result of
his behavior.
Historically, violence against women has not
been treated as a "real" crime. This is evident in the lack of severe
consequences, such as incarceration or economic penalties, for men guilty of
battering their partners. Rarely are batterers ostracized in their
communities, even if they are known to have physically assaulted their
partners. Batterers come from all groups and backgrounds, and from all
personality profiles. However, some characteristics fit a general profile of
a batterer:
- A batterer objectifies women. He does
not see women as people. He does not respect women as a group. Overall,
he sees women as property or sexual objects.
- A batterer has low self-esteem and feels
powerless and ineffective in the world. He may appear successful, but
inside he feels inadequate.
- A batterer externalizes the causes of
his behavior. He blames his violence on circumstances such as stress,
his partner’s behavior, a "bad day," alcohol or other factors.
- A batterer may be pleasant and charming
between periods of violence, and is often seen as a "nice guy" to
outsiders.
- Some behavioral warning signs of a
potential batterer include extreme jealousy, possessiveness, a bad
temper, unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness.
Why
Do Women Stay?
All too often the question "Why do women stay
in violent relationships?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude. Women
victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or
they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many "women
who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one
enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self image.
A woman’s reasons for staying are more
complex than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it
is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the
economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the
woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing
financial support, and experiencing harassment at work.
Although there is no profile of the women who
will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once
the battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and
isolation. A woman may not leave battering immediately because
- She realistically fears that the
batterer will become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts
to leave;
- Her friends and family may not support
her leaving;
- She knows the difficulties of single
parenting in reduced financial circumstances;
- There is a mix of good times, love and
hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear;
- She may not know about or have access to
safety and support.
Barriers to Leaving A Violent
Relationship
Reasons why women stay generally fall into
three major categories:
Lack of Resources:
- Most women have at least one dependent
child.
- Many women are not employed outside of
the home.
- Many women have no property that is
solely theirs.
- Some women lack access to cash or bank
accounts.
- Women who leave fear being charged with
desertion, and losing children and joint assets.
- A woman may face a decline in living
standards for herself and her children.
Institutional Responses:
- Clergy and secular counselors are often
trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs,
rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
- Police officers often do not provide
support to women. They treat violence as a domestic "dispute," instead
of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person.
- Police may try to dissuade women from
filing charges.
- Prosecutors are often reluctant to
prosecute cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon
convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.
- Despite the issuing of a restraining
order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and
repeating the assault. Ñ Despite greater public awareness and the
increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners,
there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.
Traditional Ideology:
- Many women do not believe divorce is a
viable alternative.
- Many women believe that a single parent
family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no
father at all.
- Many women are socialized to believe
that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to
maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman.
- Many women become isolated from friends
and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide
signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to
a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
- Many women rationalize their abuser’s
behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or
other factors.
- Many women are taught that their
identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.
- The abuser rarely beats the woman all
the time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the woman’s
dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man."
If she believes that she should hold onto a "good man," this reinforces
her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is
basically good until something bad happens to him and he has to "let off
steam."
Predictors Of Domestic Violence
The following signs often occur before actual
abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse:
- Did he grow up in a violent family?
People who grow up in families where they have been abused as children,
or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that
violence is normal behavior.
- Does he tend to use force or violence to
"solve" his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for
violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to
act the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick
temper? Does he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he
cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when he’s upset?
Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad
feelings with violence.
- Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs?
There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and
alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly
if he refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do
not think that you can change him.
- Does he have strong traditional ideas
about what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a
woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his
wishes and orders?
- Is he jealous of your other
relationships—not just with other men that you may know—but also with
your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you? Does he
want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all
of the time?
- Does he have access to guns, knives, or
other lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against people, or
threaten to use them to get even?
- Does he expect you to follow his orders
or advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if
you cannot anticipate what he wants?
- Does he go through extreme highs and
lows, almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind
one time, and extremely cruel at another time?
- When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do
you find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life?
Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?
- Does he treat you roughly? Does he
physically force you to do what you do not want to do?
Checklist
Look over the following questions. Think
about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember,
when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person,
it’s abuse.
Does your partner....
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of
your friends or family?
____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
____ Make you feel like you are unable to
make decisions?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain
compliance?
____ Tell you that you are nothing without
them?
____ Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch,
shove or hit you?
____ Call you several times a night or show
up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for
saying hurtful things or abusing you?
____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
____ Pressure you sexually for things you
aren’t ready for?
____ Make you feel like there "is no way out"
of the relationship?
____ Prevent you from doing things you want -
like spending time with your friends or family?
____ Try to keep you from leaving after a
fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
Do You...
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your
partner will act?
____ Constantly make excuses to other people
for your partner’s behavior?
____ Believe that you can help your partner
change if only you changed something about yourself?
____ Try not to do anything that would cause
conflict or make your partner angry?
____ Feel like no matter what you do, your
partner is never happy with you?
____ Always do what your partner wants you to
do instead of what you want?
____ Stay with your partner because you are
afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your
relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.
